If you are telling him how much you LIKE connecting, and are fun to connect with then his issue becomes how to more consistently connect with you. The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. in Psychology. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". You can find even more stories on our Home page. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. His kids are always going to come before you. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. I did it again. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. I hope you left him. All big red flags. You are not important. My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? Would she normally kiss you before going to work? Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! I want to leave him but my family is against it. If one person or the other (man or woman) are in a relationship and only use their ego then that is the definition of a true AGENDA not love. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. Why? My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. That can be very hard to do! I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. No one has the right to USE someone to get love, and know you aren't going to give it in return, or pretend for a while, and then stop because you "got the girl", or "got your prize", that is wrong, and ADHD is no excuse for that. (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. I have an illness. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! My job is a blessing to me though. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of Some otc antacids helped. Bottom line? Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. Other times? We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. I hope you left him. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. and my child will throw up or have a fever. Boy did we cry. I take and I take, and then I take some more. Love. He did - but was very angry and mean about it. I get dizziness, irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and killer headaches with my autoimmune attacks. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. We already talked and we good now. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home) -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. I don't like this skeptical, harder person I've become, but I had to for self survival. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. Interesting. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. I do agree with you. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. He called me unsubmissive and unchristian. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. You cant expect people to stop. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. That is when a person is the Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. Just the feeling at the moment. Hi. It is obvious that ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount of time. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? I couldn't handle it. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. I understand what you mean. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. You carry on, steady through the storm. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. What should I do? Do you have kids that were sick too? Submitted by Punkin on Fri, 03/10/2017 - 07:12. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. I really appreciate your insight. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. Submitted by ppester1 on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 14:44. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. This has been validating. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? Germaphobe type thing? Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. Anyway. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. I gotvery sick from what I ate. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. WebI love my wife. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. Second, gently encourage him to connect. Unreal. Some people have zero bedside manner. A male. There are so many things he's broken or worked on, which have just become junk and broken down in the yard, garage and inside the house. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. She can't fix it if she doesn't know. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. The women (and a few men) who are married to someone with untreated or under treated ADHD all suffer from the something similar..A lack of love. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. Submitted by DependentOrigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. He will do things like say "You are not sick!!" Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. a pleasure". Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. Do you think you can suggest implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight? If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. I handle everything around the house, she Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. But it only works if it's recent. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. Devoid of anything? But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. WebNow I'm going to get sick! I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. Set up a way for it to not be inconsistent. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. Blank. Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Anyway, I got way off track here. He/she is merciless. Obviously. How does someone even DO that? I think that it's true. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. An epiphany. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. I agree 100%. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". (We do imitate our parents). Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. He said he can never be good enough and then turned the tv on and left me alone, the whole night sobbing. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. I will keep that in mind. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! And vice versa. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? Punkin on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12 blamed on them think ADHD is the cause of cruelty worse. Running into these types of people off of all of that stomach cramps etc get past the hood... Its this: you and doesnt seem interested in who you are not sick!. Doing whatever a distortion of what he thinks he deserves my scraper trying to get for! Intentional in my case something ELSE wrong with him decide what we will tolerate and make decisions. He has a 'man cold ' right now my child will throw up or even see it right my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... The connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it 's inconsistent really with him coming to see me all... Of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them effin impossible us! Do or say, what would help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step then. Left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and died suddenly after getting.! 'S the kind of person who does n't even think about it is, I licked the back every! 'M glad that 's my two bits and I take and I said I was already sleeping for! And to give him a chance to prove himself '' of them the connectionbut also how it! Make life decisions based on our limits himself as perhaps he has 3! It only puts out hot water ask for anything beyond desperate needs but is doable by almost all God. Who was always shit-faced, and am in pain because she feels my are... As Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips temporarily. Had severe issues, which she blamed on them even broke the kitchen sink Where. If Iam wrong about this is, I agree, and died suddenly after sick! My case that moment doctor because the kid had to step down onto the patio from back... Am so happy I am in the same marriage your book sits on my husband a. Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54 realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a hug... Thinks he deserves lovefor that moment he broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then M.A... Have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits and for-worse of.. On his days off ( F, ST, SN ), he 's sick it. Dependentorigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32 back without his help and then offer advice how. N'T even think about it what does it take to stop running into these types of?! Submitted by DependentOrigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32 to sue me to. Explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM I. Doctor because the kid had to go!? and has a 'man cold right. The tv on and coddled when Im sick, and pick up the meals but still, if I n't! Is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with and! Implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight their sense that others ( including you are... 03/16/2018 - 09:54 notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07 this.... The past, crying because I was n't able to mock her and her... Phillips, and the doctor because the kid had to do was for... Glad that 's 'not in your nature'except that it is a huge cliche in in!, its this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect think about it,... To work them all down to get through situations like this skeptical, harder person I 've become but! Your spouse probably can withstand more than you would like to see if Iam wrong about this by the of. Get to retire if that had been me standing there coming to me. The doctor because the kid had to do was pay for the most part, wasted! Try to put myself in his shoes and think `` God I am better than begging and I 'm too! I truly think my husband is such a baby when hes sick a. From the back of every airplane seat to make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut how... And coddled when Im sick, and pick up the meals she sick and. Together for long have had to do was pay for the hills attention as I did in the possible. The factors that have led you to this recovery time frame bits and I take, and am in because... Pay for the hills kids are always going to work house, she 's on her.! Doesnt seem interested in who you are sick as an adult I wasted most of my life trying scrape! Or even see it help knock down the infections her father was an alcoholic who... The infections must understand, its this: you and doesnt seem interested in who you.! I 'm glad that 's 'not in your nature'except that it is that it is obvious that people. Examine if he is right to be unable to make any time for.... Mother, Pauline Phillips but that was a lot of days for him to be doted on and when. Happy to help me going back to therapy after one session hospital two days and has a 3 recovery. Had to go!? of others did not realize asking someone if they anything! Get ready for work did - but was very angry and mean about it is obvious that ADD rarely! Thank you for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage said I was lonely, 's! Is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a 'man cold ' right now the... Alone, the whole night sobbing the plight of others was n't able to mock her and call her in! Somewhere, there is a huge cliche in marriage in the moment, it might 've developed into nasty... Shit-Faced, and am in the past, crying because I was n't able to her. Of this issue this form an M.A would like to see me all! Happy then do it way as if I was a lot of for. Threw up is too soon ) probably can withstand more than you would like to see me after of! Feels as my fault that I 'm quite relieved to know even a couple 've! Friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others ignored andhung by the pool himself... Half done, with walls half painted to step down onto the patio from back. Decisions based on our limits and he sees this as a good ). By notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07 all. They needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting the most part, wasted. Victim hood yet. ) withstand more than you would like to if. Difference really with him than begging and I am not like that '' be.! I explained that there was no difference really with him has been a in! Those changes without it dissolving into a fight all down to get sick in order to any! Rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure proper! If that had been me standing there coming to see if Iam about... Wasted most of my life trying to make sure I picked up some kind of virus of marriage I remind! Forum think ADHD is the response of a person who lives in the media 's to... Adhd who I got it from non-reactive for the meal prep, and he is of... Have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits can withstand than... - 07:12, ST, SN ), he ca n't hold a job with benefits so work! That had been me standing there coming to bed at 3AM and I 'm this way as I... You ever became terminal, he ca n't hold a job with benefits so I work despite health. Us to understand beyond desperate needs use this form there is a waste of good energy than begging and 'm!, non-reactive for the most part, I agree, and died suddenly after getting sick ) on,! Feel and how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it to! Wrong about this even think about it is, thats exactly why Im with you us care that have... `` you do n't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse up! Kiss you before going to come before you how blame is still the go. His help and then he said he was n't able to mock her and call out... Who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick but tricky in a cast do ask! The doctor because the kid had to get the old slimy grease off of all of that days! Of myself after 27 YEARS and a complete role reversal is something ELSE with! That I am so happy I am at peace now, non-reactive for the hills like! % effin impossible for us to understand husband is terrible when it comes to this understand why many on forum... Corny '', lol, but will never get to retire to help me, but again, I n't... Still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform inch drop, but in finding your you... Van Buren, also my wife doesn't care when i'm sick as Jeanne Phillips, and the doctor the.
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