The first impression is good and you two exchange numbers. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. If you're not ready, he needs to chill or go find some other hole to fill. Its something weve learned. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. Gastrointestinal distress. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. Flags everywhere! You still get to decide whether you like him. You cant have every moment be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are needed otherwise you burn out. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. Im a grown ass adult and he still tries to do things like that to me. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Because Reasons? Your boyfriend should be treating you with love and compassion, not telling you your efforts are Not Good Enough (seriously, WTF?!). A big thing about this for me is the control he seems to want over your life. Your boyfriend probably can't see any reason to change his ways: he believes that taking drugs has done him no harm and he enjoys the experience. With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. Or will. Trouble concentrating. You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. Not once, not twice, but every time you call. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. I can go one better! Listen to his response and try to . He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Youve been through a lot, and you have been so strong and come so far and you have a wonderful partner who wants to help you and knows whats best for you. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. Dude wants to deliver improved nutrition for the vulnerable? Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. Now! Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Please support me in that by having relaxing with me, not coaching.. Which is precisely what he sounds like. Sure, its better if you are exercising and eating vegetables I guess, but if you dont thats fine youre great anyway. What Im getting at is its shitty when my father does this crap to me, its extra double wow shitty if your partner does that to you. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. And when Spouse or I are depressed, the other one will say Hey, lets go for a walk! And sometimes we go, and the Depressed One says I feel better. You know when they got worse? Sure, for some people hearing about the severely-depressed woman who climbed Everest without oxygen, ran a multi-billion-dollar corporation, had a movie-star husband and five kids, and still managed to look fabulous straight out of bed, all without medication or therapy of any kind, is inspiring. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. I had a boyfriend like that once. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. And if you have depression??? And doing more productive self care is often incredibly hard. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! Despite all this he was in many ways not a bad guy. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. During that time, I had a b/f who sounds a lot like your b/f he knew that if only I would do X, Y, Z and Q things that he specifically told me to do in the way and with the frequency that he specifically dictated, Id feel so much better! That can be so helpful. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. Well, thats it, isnt it? Your partner becomes angry not in response to specific things that they observe, but by broad elements that they infer. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Low self-esteem. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? 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